Say it. Say it loud. Vampire!

If Catherine Hardwicke’s Twilight was anything, I’d label it likely as… fair. As in fair directing, fair acting, fair-skinned bloodsuckers, and fairly passable. I admit to having not read the book yet, of course, and I guess of having no plans of perusing it, or any of Stephenie Mayer’s installments.

Tarzan? Jane?

First of all, I thought vampire plus human romance was too cliché. Hello, if the devoted followers of this flick think of it as “original,” I wanted to haul them to a Troy-Bee Movie-Titanic marathon and maybe they’d just shut up. Beforehand, I had the strong urge to pray to the gods that somehow my whole travelling to Eastwood would be slaked with good entertainment. And surprisingly, I’d say I enjoyed the movie, even a huge girl crowd was shrieking cheerily behind me.


Incredibly introverted Bella Swan lived with her single father in the rainy and downcast town of Forks in Washington, where later, she got friends (even with her boundless inferiority). Feasibly, she started a distinct kind of relationship after being saved in an accident, with Edward Cullen, a fervent red lipstick user, who was of course… a vampire. Edward has always been with the rest of his family together “as in together-together,” and wholly, they were so mysterious-looking.

Bella and Edward grew fonder with each other, such that they didn’t even, uhh, smooch. The girl formed her small investigation, found out that Edward and the others were vampires, but in the end, she fell in love-wait! What? – with him. Suddenly, they were soaring from trees to mountains, and before I knew it, I briefly thought I was watching Tarzan.

Isabella: How old are you?
Edward: Seventeen.
Isabella: How long have you been seventeen?
Edward: …a while.

I was profoundly dumbfounded with the reality that there was only one scene where I witnessed a kiss that lasted for five seconds. In that supposedly romantic scene where they were about to make out but suddenly stopped, I was bursting out of laughter deep inside. I might have to agree with my blockmate beside me then declaring, “This one apparently promotes abstinence for teenagers!”

They're so astig!

They're so astig!

I didn’t understand though of showing this to gullible kids who would think that love knows “no boundaries.” They might translate it to loving a blanket, a leprechaun, a traffic post, or worst, the kanto boy outside. Obviously, the movie lacked scenes where the two lead roles should visibly develop their feelings- it was too hasty. It was an excellent thing though; at least the cheesiness was diminished.

Edward: And so the lion fell in love with the lamb.
Isabella: What a stupid lamb.
Edward: What a sick, masochistic lion.

My favorite scene would be the baseball game wherein the apt music was played (which I think was played by Linkin Park). It was so intense, I thought of joining them. The sky-scraping jumping and all were like the best things vampires could do. Realistically, if I were given superpowers, I’d prefer having enhanced senses (i.e. Callisto of X-Men). I wanna be a vampire now. But I figured I’m addicted to sleeping.

And so in the same awesome scene, came three unknown non-vegetarian vampires creepily across the field. Bella was clearly anxious that Laurent, James and Victoria might devour her in a sec. When everything was about to get by, James smelled Bella’s pheromone and announced, “You brought us meal!” Immediately, everyone posed as if to begin a catfight and my excitement meanwhile zoomed up! Extract the romantic drivel and time for an action, I almost ejaculated.

But the thrill stopped, and the next one was only in the ballerina hall where Bella was about to be eaten by James. When Edward came to the rescue, he was a no-match, and when Alice, Emmett and Jasper leaped in, I saw fineness in the movie. This was supposed to be IT, I said.

When James was killed, I theorized of Victoria the “wicked curve ball,” to avenge her beau. At the moment where pedophiliac Edward and self-important Bella danced in the prom alone, a woman was watching them afar. I knew, with that fur, that she was Victoria. And I thought another action has to begin!

However, ignorant me got disappointed as the scene turned black and white, and the credits flashed in. That’s what I call perfectly bitin. Thank you, Hardwicke.

Lastly, whoever’s with me to agree that Bella was hellishly stupid?

Edward: I only said it would be better if we weren’t friends, not that I didn’t want to be.
Isabella: What does that mean?
Edward: It means if you’re smart… you’ll stay away from me.
Isabella: I think you’ve made your opinion of the subject on my intellect clear, too.


About barrycyrus

Hi, I'm Barry Viloria, 21 and not a blogger. I occasionally bitch about what's hot, what's not, what's life-threatening and what's Blake Lively wearing but I refuse to be called a "blogger." That's it.

Posted on December 4, 2008, in Mmmovies and tagged , . Bookmark the permalink. 16 Comments.

  1. hisnameisdencios

    won’t waste money for this plain-nothing-is-new film. neweys pag ikaw ang nagsabi ill follow. tingin ko magaling ka sa mga views-views mo.

  2. haha not really, so far i had was film100 in UP, and twas quite enlightening, in terms of technical shit. go watch it, if you havent read the book, that is.

  3. hhehehe nice review! 😉

  4. I hate twilight >_<
    I really find it very cheesy.
    “And so the lion fell in love with the lamb?” Seriously?
    And oh, did I say it’s very cheesy?

    Twilight has a dash of humor, though — when Edward stepped into the light, he actually sparkled. LOL. Like Tinkerbell. I mean, it’s so universal that vampires are to turn into ash or decompose when light shines on them. But Edward, a vampire, sparkles? That’s a major LOLz. O_o

    * I apologize to Twilight fans ~_~ *

    • to jmar: haha. obviously there was a make-up failure, and the editing was obviously done by a moronized lackey. hey, you sound good in noting technical stuff. hehe.

      to tincy: no, it didn’t! =p

  5. i loved the baseball scene, too. overall, i thought the movie sucked. =p

  6. I am currently gathering members for my anti-Twilight club. The registration is still open. Be my ally. LOL.

  7. it sucks! parang minadali lang iyong movie! eek! you have bad taste! lol

  8. Barry! Comm3 groupmate! Lol..


    I started reading the book, but I gave up after 30 or so pages. I got bored. And poof! It was out of my reading list. Haha. And I don’t have plans of watching the movie.

    I’ll link you. ^_^

  9. loved the baseball scene too.
    song’s by muse, btw.

    i should see you for lunch lunch lunch again soon!

  10. to prosetitute: ill see hahaha

    to ciara: of course,i remember you ciara. angie’s been visiting this wordpress too haha in korea na sya

  11. hahahahaha. twilight is a very polarizing fandom — either you love it or hate it. 😉 pat yourself on the back for even attempting to watch it. i didn’t think you would 🙂

  12. iu did patty! and i humbly say that i liked it. apir!


    Baseball scene song: Muse’s Supermassive Black Hole

    DAMN DAMN DAMN mainstream na tuloy dahil dyan sa Twilight na yan harhar

  14. yeah, the muse thing, ill keep that in mind. hehe. when new idea becomes pop, it becomes mainstream. some just take the path less traveled.

  1. Pingback: [383] The Unbearable Lightness of Bella Swan « I D I O T B O X

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