Free and Fleeting
After today, I’ve finally learned what I will be in the very near future. Actually, it started a bit scripted. I was supposed to go to CMC and perform thesis-related errands but only managed to borrow a helpful book. I ended up having lunch with my good friend Nigel at TechnoHub laughing about a certain strange college candidate and schmoozing about our dream escapades. I then came back to UP only to cross paths with MCO orgmate Jerson who grabbed me to a technical rehearsal of a DUP play he is in. I indeed went and watched. I later chatted him up about our other orgmates Jau and Ana Tan passing the renowned LAE… and that’s it, I’ve learned IT.
I’ve learned that I am fully insecure, not of getting in law school (I didn’t even take the test in the first place). I’m insecure of what particular structure I will satisfactorily depend on. My father has been vigorously goading me to become an actual lawyer and even thought of “buying” my decision. I told him from the start, NO. I was so hardheaded that I didn’t tell him about the LAE requirement deadline as that would’ve brought him hopes. As for Jau and Ana and all the smart-ass LAE passers, they have laid a path for themselves; they have to be legislatives and they will do it…
From this, I’ve thought that my future is, figuratively and literally, in shambles. I have to start from scratch. Never mind my achievements and positions and popularity (if at all) and friends and professors and all general weighted averages in my transcript. What do I actually DO? I cannot be independent just like that– I have to really plummet back to the ground, hands spread out, shotgun on my nape.
Drastically, in about ten weeks I am about to leave college, and I will literally say this line, “The future is now in my hands.” But to make sense out of it, it’s in the hands of the superiors and companies who will bother to read my resumé an get to know me to eventually hire me. I will become powerless. A slave.
I know this day just proved how insecure I am. And how strictly impulsive I get. Imagine my supposed “library day” spent on Razon’s longcilog and free pass on rehearsals? You know guys, I just wanted to live a simple life and not getting worried about a lot of things everyday of my life… like today, I suppose. If only the future will be like this Saturday: Free and fleeting, then I will no longer feel THIS feeling.
PS I ditched two parties tonight to work for my thesis. And it’s making me really really pathetic.