There’s something I figured shameful about myself lately: I think I’ve become so emotionally frail.
For the past days, I’ve experienced sad, awkward, jealous, disappointing and confusing moments and above these, I was in the front illusion of being “strong.” At least I thought I WAS strong but I guess it was just classic projection. I try to sport a beam or a smirk to make people believe that I’m actually the exact opposite. Some people themselves actually admire me for being a happily carefree person labeling me as “people-oriented” who work well with most part of crowds. I do believe I do have enough people skills. That’s one best trait of me, I suppose, because these people do not know HOW I deal with my problems.
Of course, I do have problems. And in some way, I’ve handled them in the most pathetic methods ever. I try to go to school and not share about my “daddy issues” (and even mummy ones), family aloofness and utter fear of independence. I sashay away from the things I can’t take control of and just let nature take its course.
To some point, the election results in CMC have altogether splintered my heart. I don’t actually want to project my micro-political views since I am valuing my friends and my social network. I know that if one is in this kind of situation, he/she might choose to stay “neutral.” I hope no friendship will be destroyed amid all this shit but sorry to say: I am never neutral. As peace advocate Elie Wiesel has stated, “Take sides. Neutrality helps the oppressor, never the oppressed.” The most I can do is to be critical.
I have been in the habit of wearing a nonpartisan mask at school lately as people not to box me in unsolicited labels. Surprisingly, lots of people confronted me themselves that they think I’m that and this. I immediately begged to differ cos I was never what they thought I was. NEVER.
In relation, I was asked briefly a while ago in a speech class about how could I “show my responsibility to my country at this point forward”. I was stuck in that vague and generalized disposition such that I told my prof.,
Ma’am, I think I can do more or less ‘normal’ things like being vocal about what I think, talking with people and writing about it.
In a split-second, I asked permission if I could recount the situation of my “political disappointments.” I eventually surprised myself by speaking flawless English. That’s how I’ve become really frustrated with these things in life that I almost had a breakdown.
To be continued…