The Unbearable Lightness of Bella

Spare me your quibbles but I got to watch the premiere of- drum roll now- The Twilight Saga: Eclipse. See I obtained free tickets from a friend, which made me feel kind of a socialite-cum-trustafarian. I have to admit: I watched the entire “saga” without the fear of being branded uncool. Who cares, with a naive Bella Swan, a lifeless Edward and a BITCHY Jacob, I couldn’t get any more, uh, entertained.

Bella Swan: You don’t know what you’re getting yourself into.

The Cullen Clan (Pic from FanPop)

So I dragged along my two exceptionally ‘critical’ friends Jean (“Little J”) and Sophia (“S”) to accompany my distressing mainstream self at Glorietta. I fancied that Eclipse was going to be crap, based from the blurb mentioning Bella’s “most important decision” in her life as the focus of the film. Wait, you make blunt,  warped, life-changing decisions in high school now? I feel left out in this kind of youth crisis trend! Ugh.

And so it occurred to me that the “decision” is  about her union with that sparkly, doe-eyed Cullen, Edward. Is she going to marry him after graduation? Is she cool with the fact of submitting herself to a vampire transformation so the Volturi won’t eliminate her? Is she  okay with vomiting all the wonders of being human, just because she is  madly in “love” with a centenarian who seems to have a bronchial disorder cos he  murmurs a lot?

Jacob Date-Rapes Bella (Pic fro FanPop)

OF COURSE.

I then conclude that Bella Swan (not the lovable Kristen Stewart) is annoying. She can’t simply just be normal, complacent and full of beans in her 2003-hipster Mary Kate Olsen vibe. Instead, she’s passive, vividly vulnerable, always pallid-looking and most of all, incredibly shaky. She’s scrutinized heavily by Shayn Nicely in an online article, Defining Damsel: An Analysis of Bella Swan, Heroine of Twilight and concludes of her as using emotions “against people, lies a lot, and ignores her friends when they’re not talking about her because she’s self-centered and fake but also brilliant and ambitious.”

Bella seems to be the reason of all the vampires-werewolves conflict which roots down to a bizarre love triangle of semi-humans. She is extremely loathsome, trying to configure her emotions and other pseudo-complex issues by being a flirt. Then a slut. Remember when she broke Jacob’s heart in New Moon with “I love you but please, don’t let me choose.” Kind of reminded me of Summer from 500 Days of Summer. These ladies just got the nerves.

Jane and Volturi Posse (Pic from FanPop)

Still, the movie positively amuses me. And with the following observations, I forever will laugh quietly to myself:

  • Why am I not feeling any teenybopper kilig jolts from Bella and Edward  even in their canoodling moments? Is it just me or they’re the most boring couple ever? Fine, Edward is cheesy but Bella, do you really have to complement the old man’s Shakespearean quotes being someone  from the 21st century? You should go hipster-like (Read: impressively sarcastic) by retorting your boyfriend’s lines with “Honey, you and your family should’ve never gone vegetarian. Those yellow eyes don’t stand a chance against Jacob’s pectorals.”
  • Speaking of Jacob Black, why are they commercializing Taylor Lautner now? It’s like whenever he’s on the screen,  he reminds me of some flashy Bench billboard along EDSA. I’m terrified. I know, that’s how you get audience but aren’t we supposed to hate him for persistently inserting himself in between the star-crossed couple?
  • Nonetheless, I prefer Jacob over Edward. If I were a girl, as obtusely emotional and fallen as Bella, I’ll pick someone who can be an instant fireplace, who doesn’t really have to buy clothes and could pronounce, “Let’s face it: I’m hotter than you!” to a 104-year-old rival.
  • Too many irrelevant characters. Excuse me, Sam Uley (who, defined by Sophia,  is a John Lloyd Cruz clone), Leah Clearwater, Jessica Stanley and other humans, but you’re overkill.
  • Forks, WA is nothing more for me than a misty, spooky place cursed with bad, gloomy weather. May I ask: is their weather close to Seattle’s? Cos you all know virtually my whole father-side family resides there right? And one day, I might step unto the place and never come back. And I’m meteoric just like that.

Having said those, I now challenge myself for another Twilight movie screening next year. There’s nothing like this in the world; and besides, won’t I care more for something that makes me feel smarter? With a script heftily based on sappy greeting cards,  they successfully made Edward static, Jacob homoerotic and Bella, well, pathetic.

My eyes are YELLOW! Meaning I must be a Cullen. With Jean in her Constance attire (Pic by Sophia Balod)

Say Hi to Dakota and Kristen for me?

RELATED POST: Say it. Say it Loud. Vampire!

About barrycyrus

Hi, I'm Barry Viloria, 21 and not a blogger. I occasionally bitch about what's hot, what's not, what's life-threatening and what's Blake Lively wearing but I refuse to be called a "blogger." That's it.

Posted on July 4, 2010, in Events, Mmmovies and tagged , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 32 Comments.

  1. Haha, it’s funny that I haven’t watched two movies(New Moon and Eclipse) of Twilight Saga yet because I am infidel about it. But straight off the bat when I first saw the first movie, I know Bella is not the character I will fall in love with. I agree with you, she’s annoying and pathetic. Plus the whole story of vampires and werewolves are freaking me out right now, they are EVERYWHERE!

    • Infidel? Di you just say you’re a heathen? Haha It’s pop culture so I’m digging it. I don’t mind believing in such stories but entertainment is good anyway. :p You should’ve also watched. Wala lang. haha.

      Of course, vampires and werewolves are everywhere. 🙂

      • Oh gees, I am not a Heathen. Haha, It’s just that I don’t like watching too popular movies about love and fantasy, flirting and romance. Plus, I am more of a Harry Potter fan. 🙂

  2. P.S. I noticed that you changed the small photo of yours on your banner, it’s now black and white and the pose is so cool. Hehe

  3. kawawa si bella sa iyo *peace*
    walang sinehan dito kaya sa dibidi lamang kami umaasa pirata pa eheheh

    pero hahanap ako ng copy kagaya ng mga naunang twilight series.

    magaling kang movie critic sir.

    • Dude, this isn’t a movie critique hahaha puro shallowness lang to. :p

      Anyway, I think that’s how magnetic Bella’s character is. But Kristen Stewart is another thing. She’s got it all for me, and she’s too good for this flick! :p

      • shallow pa ba yan sir? sabagay si bella at ang mga rason.
        naalala ko yung mga blogpost ng naging student ko na puro movie and book reviews nalang ang ginawa niya ehehehehe

        better ba ito sa mga naunang series? kasi naman months ang bibilangin bago magkakopya dito

        yung avatar nga last month ko palang napanood ahahaha
        yung toy story last week
        at kapag wala na talagang maidownload receycle nalang ang gagawin ahahaha

        • Haha If hell I don’t get a job in the following weeks, baka puro movie and ook reviews na rn gagawin ko.

          Ayos lang magrecycle,I do it all the time! :p

          But I must say, I need to download Pretty Little Liars. Haha my mainstream self.

      • hay…wish i could agree with you on Kristen…or maybe this project shouldn’t have been given to her in the first place, the same way i think it shouldn’t have been given to rob pat. Rob Pat was more gorgeous looking in Harry Potter. But here in the twilight saga, I don’t know what happened, he’s just an ugly vampire for me. hahahha! sorry na.

  4. Uh-oh, unbearable lightness of Bella… I cannot relate. If you followed the saga, then I did not haha. I don’t know if that makes me uncool or what. But I haven’t read the book, hence the decision not to watch the movie. I have that mindset. And as I have no time to read any of the books any moment now, then I won’t be watching any of the movies anytime soon too. Poor me, maybe.

    Di ako ‘in’. Haha.

    • I haven’t read the book series either but I feel provoked by my mainstream pop self haha. Which necessarily mean that I’m super cool; I’m just a bum with nothing to do hahaha

      Go watch. Too amuse yourself! :p

  5. Barry! OMG! It was a forgotten promise!!! Now what’s your ukay wishlist? I’ll try to find one piece but give me options so just incase I won’t find your first choice. it’s a done deal. I’ll find you an ukay piece. Send me your dimensions dear! haahahaha like shoulder width in inches, and armpit-armpit width too 🙂

    It’s a promise 🙂 I will ukay soon for a new collection so i’ll include you 🙂 don’t forget to PM me in facebook 🙂 – Melai mwah!

  6. no one can understand bella not unless you have a vampire lover and a werewolf friend/lover. anyone? hahaha

  7. I’ve said before that Bella is pathetic, no all the characters in that saga, (or at least the way the cast portrayed their characters) are pathetic, save for Jacob. haha. and yeah, bella (sorry, i think kristen’s portrayal is as bland as her character) is the most pathetic of all…which is also why i stopped watching the next installments after seeing Twilight and being disappointed by it.

    but even in the books, Bella was always the pathetic, indecisive bitch. Too bad, Jacob had to fall for her.

    • Haha I think why you hate Kristen too much is that nadala ka lang kay Bella Swan haha.

      Taylor Lautner, for me, is not really acting. He’s just being himself (aka topless all the time), cos people like it haha

  8. kawawa si bella, gusto ko si bella eheheh

    • LOL. I don’t like her character. But I love the actress. And Dakota: So fierce! 🙂

      • Now, Dakota. she’s blossomed into this really beautiful lady.

        but sorry, i still think Kristen’s portrayal of Bella is as bad as the character itself. parang mas muka pa siyang catatonic kesa sa mga bampira. hahahah! sabi ko nga, this project should probably not have been given to her in the first place. 😉

  9. wow! mas naenjoy ko tong blog post mo compare to the movie.. hahahah… pang-chicks ang film.. unless maghuhubad si Bella. Lol

  10. Yup! With some-two.. Lol

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