The Unbearable Lightness of Bella
Spare me your quibbles but I got to watch the premiere of- drum roll now- The Twilight Saga: Eclipse. See I obtained free tickets from a friend, which made me feel kind of a socialite-cum-trustafarian. I have to admit: I watched the entire “saga” without the fear of being branded uncool. Who cares, with a naive Bella Swan, a lifeless Edward and a BITCHY Jacob, I couldn’t get any more, uh, entertained.
Bella Swan: You don’t know what you’re getting yourself into.
So I dragged along my two exceptionally ‘critical’ friends Jean (“Little J”) and Sophia (“S”) to accompany my distressing mainstream self at Glorietta. I fancied that Eclipse was going to be crap, based from the blurb mentioning Bella’s “most important decision” in her life as the focus of the film. Wait, you make blunt, warped, life-changing decisions in high school now? I feel left out in this kind of youth crisis trend! Ugh.
And so it occurred to me that the “decision” is about her union with that sparkly, doe-eyed Cullen, Edward. Is she going to marry him after graduation? Is she cool with the fact of submitting herself to a vampire transformation so the Volturi won’t eliminate her? Is she okay with vomiting all the wonders of being human, just because she is madly in “love” with a centenarian who seems to have a bronchial disorder cos he murmurs a lot?
I then conclude that Bella Swan (not the lovable Kristen Stewart) is annoying. She can’t simply just be normal, complacent and full of beans in her 2003-hipster Mary Kate Olsen vibe. Instead, she’s passive, vividly vulnerable, always pallid-looking and most of all, incredibly shaky. She’s scrutinized heavily by Shayn Nicely in an online article, Defining Damsel: An Analysis of Bella Swan, Heroine of Twilight and concludes of her as using emotions “against people, lies a lot, and ignores her friends when they’re not talking about her because she’s self-centered and fake but also brilliant and ambitious.”
Bella seems to be the reason of all the vampires-werewolves conflict which roots down to a bizarre love triangle of semi-humans. She is extremely loathsome, trying to configure her emotions and other pseudo-complex issues by being a flirt. Then a slut. Remember when she broke Jacob’s heart in New Moon with “I love you but please, don’t let me choose.” Kind of reminded me of Summer from 500 Days of Summer. These ladies just got the nerves.
Still, the movie positively amuses me. And with the following observations, I forever will laugh quietly to myself:
- Why am I not feeling any teenybopper kilig jolts from Bella and Edward even in their canoodling moments? Is it just me or they’re the most boring couple ever? Fine, Edward is cheesy but Bella, do you really have to complement the old man’s Shakespearean quotes being someone from the 21st century? You should go hipster-like (Read: impressively sarcastic) by retorting your boyfriend’s lines with “Honey, you and your family should’ve never gone vegetarian. Those yellow eyes don’t stand a chance against Jacob’s pectorals.”
- Speaking of Jacob Black, why are they commercializing Taylor Lautner now? It’s like whenever he’s on the screen, he reminds me of some flashy Bench billboard along EDSA. I’m terrified. I know, that’s how you get audience but aren’t we supposed to hate him for persistently inserting himself in between the star-crossed couple?
- Nonetheless, I prefer Jacob over Edward. If I were a girl, as obtusely emotional and fallen as Bella, I’ll pick someone who can be an instant fireplace, who doesn’t really have to buy clothes and could pronounce, “Let’s face it: I’m hotter than you!” to a 104-year-old rival.
- Too many irrelevant characters. Excuse me, Sam Uley (who, defined by Sophia, is a John Lloyd Cruz clone), Leah Clearwater, Jessica Stanley and other humans, but you’re overkill.
- Forks, WA is nothing more for me than a misty, spooky place cursed with bad, gloomy weather. May I ask: is their weather close to Seattle’s? Cos you all know virtually my whole father-side family resides there right? And one day, I might step unto the place and never come back. And I’m meteoric just like that.
Having said those, I now challenge myself for another Twilight movie screening next year. There’s nothing like this in the world; and besides, won’t I care more for something that makes me feel smarter? With a script heftily based on sappy greeting cards, they successfully made Edward static, Jacob homoerotic and Bella, well, pathetic.
Say Hi to Dakota and Kristen for me?
RELATED POST: Say it. Say it Loud. Vampire!